How to persevere when dreams don’t materialize
- Tracy Gay
- Apr 9, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 2
I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I mentioned in one of my other blogs, that I grew up with three sisters and that I am a middle child.
Throughout my life I would daydream of having my own family, and for me, that meant four kids. However, as I got older, that number quickly shrank to two kids – twins (a boy and girl).
Over the many years that my husband and I have been married, there have been people that assumed that either we did not want kids, or that we were too busy to have them. This could not be farther from the truth. When we first got married, we said that we would wait to have children until one year after we got married; however, that desire for kids crept up shortly after we got married, especially when our close friends had their first child. Every time I saw that sweet baby boy, my heart longed to have our own children.
Last fall we celebrated our 26th year anniversary and that desire to have kids has not left me. We have wanted twins, even before we got married. While we were engaged, we talked about twins, and it was at that time that we came up with the boy’s name, “Isaiah” and awhile after we were married, we came up with the girl’s name, “Victoria.”
We tried on and off often over the years, but it didn’t happen. We met with a few fertility specialists, and later, found out that I didn’t have many eggs left, and that if we wanted to have our own children, we would need to look at egg adoption. We didn’t feel like that was the right choice for us at that time. Adoption came up a few times, and we prayed about it, but again, we didn’t feel that was the right option for us.
Through the years and at various times, we had friends, family, and pastors encourage us in our desire to have kids. One instance was when we had missionaries in town for a conference. Both my husband and I were helping out throughout the weekend. At the beginning of the conference, Joel met a missionary from Paraguay and they ended up connecting and chatted a few times. This missionary asked my husband if he could pray for us, as he felt that that was what the Lord wanted him to do. Given the busyness of the weekend, we weren’t able to pray together until the end of the conference. One of the first things he asked us was if we wanted kids. I thought that he and my husband may have talked about personal things, but this topic had not come up during their brief conversations. Again, as soon as he posed the question to us, my immediate response was an emphatic “yes and we have wanted twins, a boy and a girl, for most of our marriage.” As soon as those words came out of my mouth, the missionary had the biggest smile on his face and responded, “that’s why!” He told us that when he initially met Joel, that he really liked him and that he felt like he needed to pray for us, but he wasn’t sure why, or what to pray for. He then shared with us that the day before, he was sitting and listening in on one of the sessions and had a vision of a little boy and girl playing under the table. He said that they were giggling and that they looked like they were having oodles of fun. He didn’t know why he was seeing this, as he and his wife had never talked about twins, nor had a desire for them. It wasn’t until we told him that we wanted twins (a boy and girl) that he knew right then that the vision was for us, and that he knew how to pray for us. He prayed for us and told us that he felt that God wanted him to encourage us in this. I have held this vision and prayer (in addition to others’ encouragement) in my heart all these years, praying and believing for our babies.
Over the years, we have watched and celebrated the birth of many of our family members, friends, and colleagues’ babies. Although I have been sincerely happy for them, it has also brought deep sadness. At times, I have felt sorry for myself and have cried for days at times, especially when Mother’s Day came around.
I have spent endless hours, crying out to God and reminding Him that His Word tells us to be “fruitful and multiply.” I’ve also asked Him numerous times, “Why not me?, what’s wrong with me, wouldn’t I be a good mother?”
Some days and weeks are better than others. What gives me the strength to keep persevering when I’ve never felt what it’s like to be pregnant; to hold my babies; or watch them grow up? I try to keep hope alive by praying and thanking God for the many blessings that He’s given me. I also try to find things that encourage me, whether it's a movie, scripture or songs. Although there are many songs that have helped me over the years, there is one in particular that has helped me recently called “I Still Believe” by Brian Johnson with Bethel Music:
It greatly helps to talk about it with my husband, a friend or family member, or in my counseling sessions.
As Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy said in one of the episodes after her show husband, Derek Shepard, dies, “No matter what, and no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” In spite of the fact that she is a fictional character, I think this is a great point.
In closing, NEVER LOSE HOPE!
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