What do you do when you're overcome by grief?

It’s been almost 7 months since Krieger (or "Kriegs") my sweet German Shepherd boy passed away. For some reason, I woke up this morning particularly sad and missing him, and the tears keep rolling down my face. 

I am heartbroken. I feel like I lost one of my best friends and feel so very empty right now. When he first died, I cried for weeks at times, I would have such a gut, wrenching cry, and I felt like I was screaming inside. Seven months later I am experiencing some of those same emotions and even more tears. My heart feels like it’s breaking. As the tears keep flowing, I am reminded of a scripture in the Bible, which talks about how God holds our tears in the palms of His hands. He must have buckets and buckets full of my tears and I believe that He holds them dear to His heart.

I know that death is hardest for those that are left behind, like me and my husband. I truly believe that Kriegs is in heaven with Jesus and that he is restful and not in any pain. And that’s what gives me the strength to “keep on keeping on.”

As I sit here in my backyard, staring at the mountain, I hear the squeaky voices of the squirrels and somehow, I’m reminded of Kriegs as a puppy. My husband and I got him when he was eight weeks old. I still remember the drive home from picking him up. It was such a hot blistering day that the air conditioning in our SUV was working overtime. I had him sitting on my lap and I remember how thrilled I was that we were bringing him home. A short time later, he seemed uncomfortable, and began to move towards the vents of the SUV and for the rest of the ride home, he remained with his head close to the vents. My husband and I were amazed at how smart this eight-week-old puppy was. We would soon find out how smart he really was…

Krieger wasn’t an ordinary or normal dog; he was practically human.  Everything from the way he looked at us to the tilting of his head, trying to understand exactly what we were saying to him, to the cuddling at night.  Most of our friends didn’t believe that he was a “cuddler”, especially as he had an intense herding drive and was strong-willed. 

We had many names for him.  Krieger, his given name, means “warrior;” although, he was more of a lover than a warrior.  Interestingly enough, my name, Tracy, also means warrior. Perhaps that is why we had such a close bond. 

Sometimes my husband would lovingly call him “Big Head” and there were people who would meet him that would comment to us that he has a big head.  My reply was always that “yes, he has a fluffy and full head, that is directly proportional to his body.” LOL! As you see from the images, he was gorgeous!  

Finally, I would call him ‘Bugs’ or ‘Bugger’ when he was stubborn. Did you know that dogs could have temper tantrums? Well, when Kriegs was a few months old, he was in the backyard playing or biting on a stick. I wanted him to come in the house, so I opened the door and called him in. By this time, he surely knew his name, and he already knew that when I called his name, and told him to come, he would come. But, on this day, he would look at me, turn his head and keep biting the stick. I could tell that he knew I was calling him, and what I wanted, but he kept ignoring it, and kept biting his stick. I decided right then that I was the alpha, not him. So, I picked him up and began heading back into the house. As I held him in my arms, he was wailing and whining, and his paws flailing everywhere.  When I brought him in the house, I proceeded to place him on the ground and gently held him there until he calmed down. And from that point on, he knew that I was the Alpha. 

One of the things that have helped me in dealing with the grief of my sweet boy is to talk about it. I talk about it with my husband, my family and friends, my counselor, and especially God. The other thing that has helped is to write about it. 

My husband and I do not have kids, and this has been very difficult for me over the years, but I felt like with Kriegs, I had a glimpse of what motherhood was like.  I have never connected with a dog like I had with Kriegs and that was for a number of reasons.  Stay tuned for another blog on “Puppy Love.”