Is controlling behavior ruining your life?

Recently, I had a few experiences that got me thinking about control and how it affects our lives.

I would imagine that we all have engaged in some measure of controlling behavior, especially as most people want to maintain some sort of control over their lives. 

Fun fact: When God created us, He created us with free will to make choices that are either good or bad, rather than try to control us. However, it seems as if there are many people who feel perfectly justified to try and control others, and to be quite frank, I’ve been no different at times. Admittedly, I’ve tried to control circumstances and influence people, but what I’ve realized, is that when this behavior occurs, there’s usually an issue in my life that is unresolved, there is something I’m working through or there may be something going on in me internally that I haven’t yet identified.

I don’t know about you, but I have experienced a fear of “lack of control” which is not fun at all. I’ve had the feeling of being trapped or suffocated, especially in places that don’t necessarily promote peace of mind. One instance was in the MRI chamber, but then again who wouldn’t feel a bit out of sorts, given the pounding and the rumbling of the machine.

Although I like my dentist, the last time I was in her chair, she was either replacing a crown or doing some other type of dental treatment. Prior to starting the work, she put this new contraption in my mouth. The purpose of it was to keep my mouth open while she did the work. What she didn’t know about me is that I have allergies and at times, my nose gets so stuffed up, that I can’t breathe and at times, it has caused me to gasp for air and freak out a little bit. So, here I am in the chair, with this obnoxious contraption in my mouth, and I couldn’t breathe, and I started to panic slightly. I then recall beginning to feel warmer and my heart was racing. I felt as if my heart was about to be ripped out of my chest. I was talking to myself (inside voice, of course) telling myself that “I can do this.” I then kept reciting one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible (book of Philippians, chapter 4, verse 6) that I will “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, I will let my requests be made known to God.”  As I began to talk with God about this, letting Him know that I didn’t want to freak out, but that I desperately needed Him to help me and to intervene; I needed Him to help relax my body and my mind. I then started to thank Him for being such a good God, for my husband and family, for a roof over our heads, and whatever else I could think of. Finally, I began to feel calmer. Although it seemed like an eternity, He got me through it. 

Do you think that people who try to control other people or situations are peaceful and happy or are they twisted and tangled inside?  I believe that when someone tries to control another human being, it reveals something about their own character. Perhaps they have low self-esteem, they are being controlled or micromanaged by someone else, have undergone traumatic experiences and haven’t been healed, have a need to feel above someone else, etc.?  

 I was reading in an article called “Signs of controlling behavior” (Controlling Behavior: 7 Signs to Look For (webmd.com)) written by WebMD, saying that several things can cause controlling behavior, but that the most common are anxiety disorders and personality disorders. It goes on to say that “people with anxiety disorders, feel a need to control everything around them in order to feel at peace.” I don’t have an anxiety disorder, but I have experienced anxiety at various times in my life and having the ability to control the circumstances around me gave me more peace of mind. One area that has affected me in the past is having a clean kitchen. When I’ve gone through some of these anxious moments, I recall that once the kitchen was clean, and things were arranged in an orderly fashion on the countertops, I felt more peaceful, and I could relax a bit easier. It wasn’t obsessive-compulsive disorder, but just very organized. However, as I’ve grown in my relationship with God, I’m finding that I don’t have a need to control things or people, as I have had in the past. Of course, from time to time, that controlling behavior rears its ugly head and I must squelch it as soon as possible. Also, as I mentioned in a previous blog that “I believe the stronger we are (and the less bogged down we are with emotional baggage), the better we will be physically, mentally and spiritually. And, subsequently, the healthier, our thoughts and actions will be.”

I have also realized that although I can’t always control my circumstances or how people behave, I can control my attitude, approach, and response to every situation and person. I can either complain about it or look ahead and figure out how to make the situation better.