Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong?

Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong or that you were a mistake, (whether it was during an awkward moment as a child or as an adult)?

Most of my life I have not felt like I have belonged, nor have I been completely comfortable in my own skin.

Although I didn’t know it at the time, the thoughts that I had or the story I told myself, started during infancy, reared its head in high school, and carried on through adulthood. I am No. 3 (“mid kid”) of four girls. {I always felt bad for my dad, having to live with 5 females. Over the years, we’ve had a number of dogs and most of them were male. We joke about this, but I think there’s some truth to it. I think he felt that he had to bring a male in the house to balance all of the progesterone and estrogen!}.

I came into this world 11.5 months after my sister T was born. So that means my mom got pregnant with me when my sister was 2.5 months old. Two babies in diapers and a four-year-old at home. Crazy huh? I can’t imagine how my parents did it.

During those early years, I recall my sister’s jokingly telling me that Mom got pregnant quickly after my second sister was born and that I wasn’t planned. Of course, there was a lot of truth to that. I knew they loved me and they were just kidding, as siblings do; however, I believe that something deep down in me questioned my value and if I was a mistake.

My sisters didn’t stop there. They took numerous opportunities to razz me. Of course, I also took every opportunity to give it back to them.

I was a very naïve and trusting child. When I was very young, we had a milkman that came to our house and dropped off milk and other food items. Although I don’t quite remember what he looked like, I do recall that my complexion was more in line with him, given my blonde hair and green eyes. My sisters told me that I was the milkman‘s child. It didn’t help that I looked a little different from my sisters. My parents have brown hair and brown eyes and so do my three sisters. Actually, my eldest sister’s hair is closer to a beautiful black color. Looking in the mirror, I think that I would subconsciously think that I didn’t belong, even to my own family. However, later in life, I began to see that certain physical features, my nose for instance, is just like my parents.

I’m sure that many kids are naïve when they are young. Perhaps it’s because children are so pure and innocent. One last story to share about my naïveté as a child. I loved kitty cocktails! Although they were quite tasty, I think that I loved the red color and the cherry most of all. My sisters told me that I could go to the sandbar and get a kitty cocktail. Of course, I thought this was the coolest thing ever. I didn’t know exactly how I was going to get from the shoreline of our lake out to the sandbar, which was far out. I just knew that I loved kitty cocktails and somehow it would happen. I don’t recall the exact moment when I learned that they were fooling me, but it became a funny story that we would laugh about for years to come. Although my sisters kidded me, I’m sure I gave quite a bit back as well. Plus, we are all quite close and I love them dearly.

I was not a strong child. In fact, I had difficulty opening up a car door. This was another amusing topic for my sisters, as I was a bit of a weakling. When I was an adult, I started taking martial arts (Tae kwon do and Brazilian jujitsu). I got up to my red belt, but I had to quit it as it was too much effort given my intense job. As I would reflect on earning my red belt at the time, I also remembered how weak I was as a child. Now not only was I stronger than my sisters, but I could pretty much kick their butt. LOL! That brought big smiles to my face and a great sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward 30+ years and after many hours spent in counseling and a lot of healing. However, a few years ago, I was talking to my sister-in-law about my parents not planning for me. I told her that at times I wondered growing up, where I fit in my family and in this world. She said “Your parents may not have planned for you, but God had a perfect plan for you. He is the one who brought you into this world. He has had a plan for you and still has a plan for you and wanted you". I have grown tremendously and I have grown to love the woman I have become. I have realized that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. Although God has been helping me to work out the difficulties of childhood and has helped me to gain a strong sense of self and who I am in Christ, this was another reminder of being wanted, especially by my Creator.

Of course, I always knew that my parents loved me but, just then another lightbulb went off. If the God of the universe planned for me, wow, I must be pretty special and definitely not a 'mis-take'! Shortly after this conversation, I was getting ready for work one morning and heard a song/video by Rachael Lampa and TobyMac called "Perfectly Loved" that touched my heart. {Please click on the following link: (643) Rachael Lampa - Perfectly Loved (Official Lyric Video) featuring TOBYMAC - YouTube}

If we are honest with ourselves, I think that we all have hearts that are “Broken and Scarred”, just as the song goes.

I don't recall where I heard this, but I wanted to share it:

CELEBRATE YOU, AS THERE'S ONLY ONE OF YOU!