Do we as women, truly support other women?

I don’t necessarily think of myself as a feminist; however, lately I’ve been thinking about whether we as women, are mentoring and supporting to other women, both in the workplace and in our personal lives. 

One thing in particular that I've been pondering, is do I spend more time “tooting my own horn” or do I live to lift others up? There is an article called "5 Reasons why women must support other women” by Renata Merino (5 Reasons Why Women Must Support Other Women (linkedin.com)), in which she quotes Chelsea Handler - "I never blow out someone else’s candle to make mine brighter.” To be honest, this comment made me question my own motives and how I am living my life.

This article is short, but a sweet read on why we should support each other and key inspirational women. In the introduction, she talks about the potential problem, stereotypes and how it can be changed - “Gossiping. Cat fights. Jealousy. There are many negative stereotypes about women’s personal and professional relationships, but when I see women working together, I don’t see toxicity. I see a collective impact. The truth is that raising each other up and channeling the power of collaboration is truly how we’ll change the equation - and have more fun along the way.”

I had one situation with a female colleague that could’ve been a more positive experience. This woman was a bit younger than me, and I was her direct supervisor. From the time she started to a year later when she left, she was severely under performing in many of her tasks, had attitude issues, and felt perfectly fine and justified going above my head in many instances.

Although she didn’t have the right experience and/or skills sets for the position, and had difficulties with many of her responsibilities, I worked with her to improve her communication and writing skills. I also tried to get to know her on a personal level and in the end, she tried suing the firm and bringing my name, along with others down with it. This was clearly an example of “support not being effective” or perhaps just a somewhat misguided individual.

I have been in business development for the past 30+ years and I’ve seen many instances in which women mentored, supported and worked well with each other. However, I believe that we could do a better job in helping each other grow and succeed in our work environments and personal lives, and I’d really like to change it. Of course, as the saying goes “it takes two to tango” so all of us need to be on the same page of collaboration to “change the equation.”  

I’ve talked with other women colleagues in my industry about this topic and we’ve all seen numerous work events that have all-women panels. However, although it is so great to see all-women panels talking and collaborating about a topic or issue, it would be good to get to a point that gender doesn’t matter, rather it would be about a person's expertise and what he/she is bringing to the situation.

I read another interesting article by Megan Chiarello on LinkedIn called "There is a Place in Hell for Women Who Don’t Support Other Women: The Call to End Queen Bee Syndrome in the Workplace." (There is a Place in Hell for Women Who Don’t Support Other Women: The Call to End Queen Bee Syndrome in the Workplace (linkedin.com)). I really like how the author describes why women are rude to other women in the workplace. She goes onto say that "It’s likely because when women break gender stereotypes – speak up, assert themselves, delegate and take charge – other women find it difficult to process the qualities. She provides a few suggestions on how to stop a toxic conversation, including "Be Honest & Direct with Action, shut it down and practice the PRO-CON-PRO Rule (start and end on a positive note). In my view, one of the most important nuggets of the article is when she says "In my experience, the Mean Girl masks her insecurities through her feedback. It’s important to remember that you’re likely not her only target." I have also known this to be true. Whether it is another woman behaving rudely to you at work or even a boss who has just used you figuratively as a punching bag, most likely there are either underlying insecurities or they are experiencing other outside pressures. I remember a video song called "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath (Time to Launch with GoDaddy Airo™ (youtube.com), which is about a desire to view people as God would and was "inspired by people-watching at an airport." As Brandon Heath has said, it's "a song about my own convictions for wanting to see the world with compassionate eyes."

Side note: I don't know about you, but I've always wondered where this "Queen bee syndrome" came from. Wikipedia describes it as "a phenomenon first defined by Carol Tavris and two collaborators in 1973.[1] "Queen bee" is a derogatory term applied to women who have achieved success in traditionally male-dominated fields. These women often take on "masculine" traits and distance themselves from other women in the workplace in order to succeed.[2] They may also view or treat subordinates more critically if they are female and refuse to help other women rise up the ranks as a form of self-preservation.

As I began to ponder my relationships outside of the workplace, I’ve also noticed similar patterns and I think that I could do a better job cultivating and growing strong bonds with other women and sharing this with the younger generation, in the hopes that they can develop long lasting bonds with other women. 

I truly believe that if we can acknowledge that we are all "going through stuff" and have compassion for ourselves and one another, this world would be a much better place!