Boundaries that heal or imprison us...

Boundaries mean different things to various walks of life. From parents setting boundaries for their kids for social interaction, such as “no hitting” or “don’t interrupt Momma” to various types of life’s boundaries including physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual, time, non-negotiable, etc.

Dr. Stephanie Dowd, a Clinical Psychologist, says that “Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others.” She also believes that in the day that we are living in, we need to put a big emphasis on helping kids develop greater empathy and self-awareness. This in turn produces healthier and happy adults who have a strong self-identity and a healthy outlook on life. Please check out Dr. Dowd video. 

For me, when I was a child, I may have unknowingly imprisoned myself by not speaking up or setting boundaries. In one of my earlier blogs, I mentioned my experience as a middle child.  Even early into young adulthood and adulthood, I don’t think I really knew what a boundary was, nor how to successfully set and implement them without feeling bad for the person on the other end or feeling awkward myself. I think I was a little afraid that if I put my foot down or said something, that I would lose my cool, and that it would come out all wrong.  I may also have kept quiet as I was a ‘people pleaser.”  I wanted everyone to play nice.  

When I was well into adulthood, I was traveling a lot with my job and because I traveled so much, I literally would have to prepare myself mentally to leave for the business trip, and I also had to prepare myself to come back home. It was on one of these trips back home when I came face-to-face with the cold reality that I didn’t know how to set boundaries or even speak up for myself, especially when I was upset, taken aback or felt like I was backed into a corner. 

That afternoon, I finished my meetings early and got to the airport way ahead of my flight. Just as I got to the gate, another flight was boarding for my home. I quickly put my name on the waiting list and began to wait and pray. Many of the passengers had already boarded, and a few minutes later I heard them call my name. I was so excited that I would be able to get home early. As usual, I had my carry-on luggage and my other bag ready to board. I noticed that the compartments were filling up so I motioned to one of the flight attendants a little further ahead and asked if I could put my bag in the compartment that she was standing in front of. She waved and said, “yes of course; there’s room for one more bag." As I was getting closer to the compartment, the gentleman in front of me took his bag and put it in the only available compartment (my department!), just as the flight attendant walked away. I was fuming!  Right then, an announcement came in on over the loudspeaker asking everyone to take a seat as we were about to takeoff.  The flight attendants came by and told me that they would have to check my bag and that I could pick it up at baggage claim. 

I quickly found my seat, sat down and again became infuriated. I was playing the situation back in my mind, how this miserable man took my compartment and as I turned to the right, and what did I see one seat away from me, with an empty seat between us, was Mr. Inconsiderate! I started to get even more furious. Did he purposely take my spot because he was a miserable human being, or was he completely clueless and didn’t realize what he was doing or had done? I finally calmed down as I was praying that God would not allow this man to rob me of my peace.

That night on the way home, I was talking to one of my sisters about the situation. She encouraged and reminded me that I don’t have to feel bad about speaking up for myself, especially if I say it in love. In fact, I realized that it’s actually part of taking care of myself. The past few months I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy, and at times, Meredith Grey, the main actress comes up with some insightful lines. I don’t recall the exact episode, but she was talking about boundaries, and she said “Boundaries don’t keep people out, but they keep you in.” When I first heard that comment, my first thought was “I don't know if I totally believe that.” I’m not completely sure that it’s about keeping people out and keeping us in, but I think it’s more about trusting ourselves and protecting who we are and not allowing others to trample on our souls.  

I don’t recall where I read this, but I really like it. It goes like this “Without boundaries, we can feel depleted, taken advantage of, and taken for granted.”

The picture of the road below, has lines, one on each side and one in the center. These lines provide margins for our safety while we are driving. If we go over the line on one side, we'll go into the ditch. If we cross over the line in the middle, we could get into a serious accident and even worse. We like those lines because they keep us safe and protected. It's similar in our personal lives. When we implement appropriate boundaries, we feel much better and experience God's peace.