Are your friendships like tonic and gratifying, or are they toxic and draining you?

Have you ever given serious thought to the kind of friendships you have and are they uplifting, life-giving and supportive or are they empty and draining?

A few years ago, one of our good friends, (our best man from our wedding) was visiting us and he and I got into a serious conversation about friendships. At that time, I was having some challenges with a friend of mine as well as a difficulty in making new, lasting friendships.

As I bared my soul to my friend, I shared with him that “I really try to be a good friend - to be a good listener, considerate, supportive, loving; however, it sometimes seems like they just don’t want to be my friend or maybe I’m not perceived as a good friend.” His comment was “I sometimes wonder if it is as if people have a sign up saying ‘not accepting applications for friends at this time.” For me, I don’t necessarily think it is as overt as that and I don’t believe that people purposely try to shun others or behave rudely. We all have hectic lives and can easily get caught up in our own world, which I am also guilty of. 

Over the last few years, I have spent some time thinking about my friendships and recently, I took a pseudo health inventory of them - the kind of friendships I have, what I would like from them, and how they can be improved. I also found this article “Take an inventory of your friends and act on it” (Take an inventory of your friends, and act on it - Penelope Trunk Careers). It’s an interesting, but short read, as it goes on to talk about how we as a society are more “frenetic than ever in how we live our lives.” Also, “Time Magazine reports (under the head of ‘“Loneliness”) that the number we count as our closest friends - the ones who we discuss with close personal matters - has shrunk over the past 20 years, from three friends to two.” 

Truth be told, throughout my life, I’ve not had a lot of friends and most of the time, I’ve felt like I’ve put a lot more into my friendships than I’ve gotten back. I had a long-term friend from when I was younger, and throughout our relationship, I was typically the one inviting her to get together and when we lived in different cities or states, I was the one to consistently stay in touch with her. Unfortunately, it was her request to no longer be friends. I still don’t quite understand the reason, but I pray for her when she’s on my heart. I’ve now heard that some would call this a “Friend divorce.” In retrospect, I don’t think it was a healthy friendship, and this was not an isolated case. 

I had another long-term friend that decided that she didn’t want to be friends anymore because when she was going through a difficult situation, I gave her my honest feedback and I didn’t sugarcoat it, as we had always done with each other. I brought up an opposing point in love and lost my friend because of it. However, if I had to do it over again, I would do exactly the same thing. After all, what is the point of a close friend, if you can’t be open and frank with them?

More than ever, it seems as if we are living in a culture in which people are easily offended, and unable to deal with opposing opinions. Collins English Dictionary has a term for this called “Snowflake Culture.” This term is typically often used to describe young adults who are seen as less resilient and more likely to take offense than previous generations. It also seems to apply to other generations, as it is used to describe “a person that has an inflated sense of uniqueness, an unwarranted sense of entitlement, or are overly emotional, easily offended, and unable to deal with opposing opinions.”

Back to my previous friendships. I would often share with my husband the heartache and discouragement that I felt having to be the main one to invite or ask or keep the friendship alive. My husband has always been supportive and truthful with me and sometimes he would respond that “maybe that’s one of the reasons that God made me so persistent and strong.” Of course, being a strong person is good, but in all honesty, it’s nice to be asked.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer to have a few intensely close friends that provide deep emotional connections and support, rather than having several good friends that can provide a diverse support network and a variety of perspectives. I think I read somewhere that these are called “true friends.”

In an article produced by the American Psychological Association called “The science of why friendships keep us healthy,” (The science of friendship (apa.org)) mentions that “people who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University said that “on the other hand, when people are low in social connection - because of isolation, loneliness, or poor-quality relationships - they face an increased risk of premature death.” Given this, if friendships are so vital to our well-being, shouldn’t we guard our hearts and be just as discerning with the friends we choose to spend time with?

Has this blog piqued your interest and if so, have you determined what kind of friendships you have?

As one of my “true friends” mentioned when we were talking about this topic, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ve all probably had “that one that remains, the seasonal, the fake, the one that feeds on your misery, the disappointment, etc.” Although I haven’t read it yet, I've heard that the book called Friendish – “Going deeper guide: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion” by Kelly Needham (Friendish Going Deeper Guide: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion: Needham, Kelly: 9798593324818: Amazon.com: Books) is a great read on real friendships.

Side note: Due to a traumatic event that I went through seven years ago followed by numerous counseling sessions, I now feel comfortable to set healthy boundaries and to express myself and my needs. I am now an advocate for the kinds of friendships that I want and those that I do not want. So, perhaps there is an invisible sign on my heart that says I’m only accepting true friends…